Why can't I rely on anyone
Why you often feel so lost and lonely
Do you often feel lost and lonely?
Do you know the feeling of feeling lonely and lost - even when there are people around you? Have you ever experienced that you feel the feeling of deep abandonment when your partner is on the road for a few days without you? Perhaps you feel that you no longer feel this other person and wonder whether he or she is “still there”?
Maybe you don't care if there is anyone there because you have given up feeling accepted, connected and loved !?
"Do you love me Still"?
Early injuries and developmental trauma often lead to feeling very insecure about connecting with other people. We very quickly experience ourselves as rejected, rejected or unloved - even if the other person doesn't do this at all. This often leads to the question: "Do you still love me?" Or "Are you still there?" Or "Are you serious about me?"
In couple relationships, this feeling is activated much faster in most people than in friendships or colleagues. But even in more distant relationships it can happen that I no longer know what kind of meaning I have for the other person and I wonder whether I am valued at work or whether I am liked?
Can I rely on you?
At the beginning of our life we learn whether relationships are safe or not. We learn how much we “have to do” in order to be noticed or whether our caregivers are reliable. This gradually develops a security or insecurity in relation to relationships. The ability to still feel a relationship and hold it internally when the other person is “not” present is what is called in psychology Object constancy.
This object constancy is often very poor or not developed at all for many people.
Behind every “attachment trauma” there is always a “development trauma” that inevitably affects our love relationships and friendships!
In the world on a journey of discovery!
Children learn this skill in the first years of life.
If you want to see how object constancy develops, watch children as they begin to crawl and explore their surroundings. This is called Exploration behavior.
If children grow up reasonably healthy, they are totally curious and love to explore their surroundings. At the beginning the radius is still small, but they are curious and thanks to their “exploratory spirit” they are constantly expanding their radius. The "expansion" can only take place if they are securely bound!
You have probably already noticed the following behavior:
Children crawl a little, then stay in one position and look around looking for mom, dad or someone to care for. You make sure: "Is mom or dad still there?"
And when mom smiles, the child smiles too and feels connected and safe. Only then does it continue. It has made sure that someone is still there! At first it cannot create this security of its own accord. This requires a specific counterpart. The so-called “object constancy” gradually builds up through this permanent reinsurance.
The older it gets, the more extensive its expeditions become, and yet it will always come back and convince itself that its caregiver is still there.
If this goes well and the caregivers are available, friendly and "relatively" constantly available, then the child learns over time:
The caregiver is there, even if I don't see them!
If we transfer this behavior into our adulthood, it means that we can be separated from our partner WITHOUT losing the connection.
This is an incredibly important skill for us as it helps us not to feel lonely and lost in everyday life.
Especially for love relationships, it is very important to be able to feel this connection within yourself without having to constantly insure yourself.
If we do not have this ability of "object constancy" - and this is relatively often the case - this unfortunately often leads to constant demand and assurance as to whether we are still loved or liked. This behavior almost inevitably leads the other person to withdraw. Under certain circumstances, a "self-fulfilling prophecy" will arise - namely that I feel abandoned. And that's a painful repetition of our childhood.
The other variant is that you don't let anyone close at all because you no longer trust people. This behavior, too, often leads to conflicts in love relationships and to a repetition of the original experience: one is abandoned.
Ultimately, the feeling of self-love and self-confidence also suffers because we are plagued by thoughts of worthlessness or inability.
Connectedness and curiosity is the opposite of trauma.
If we feel connected to ourselves and to other people, we may sometimes feel alone, but rarely lonely.
If you weren't fortunate enough to bond securely as a child, it makes sense to come to terms with these old feelings of Being lost or even the yourself Feeling rejected to set apart.
I want to encourage you!
In the past, I could hardly bear to be alone for even a weekend. Today I can enjoy the time alone with myself without feeling lost or lonely.
It is possible to learn more about bond security!
In technical terminology, this is called an "acquired secure bond". It is my concern here that you better understand why you feel how you feel. The early loss or lack of secure attachment, the betrayal of our love through violence, humiliation or assault lead to this deep feeling of being lost, of being cast out and inner loneliness.
Please try to see yourself with compassion, as this can be one of your first steps towards feeling connected again.
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