How do I deal with vengeful narcissists

What to do with narcissists

In relationships - whether in friendship or in love - narcissists constantly oscillate between the idealization and the devaluation of the other. They have great difficulty dealing with closeness and distance, which makes living with them a roller coaster of emotions. What Can You Do When Dealing with a Narcissist?

In this blog, I introduce you to the multifaceted personality of a narcissist. Because if we know who we are dealing with, we can develop counter-strategies. In the next blog you will learn specific measures what to do when you have a narcissistic partner or the boss is a narcissist.

Typically narcissistic: dramatic, emotional, moody

People with a narcissistic personality disorder can be recognized by their pronounced self-overestimation, their increased desire for recognition, their arrogant attitude and their lack of empathy. They thirst for attention and do everything to strengthen their grandiose self-image, which is why lies, intrigue and manipulation are among their favorite tools in dealing with others.

Narcissists are extremely interesting because they are ambivalent personalities. They can be very powerful and successful. Eloquent, eloquent and often entertaining, they score with the first impression. Their toxic behavior often goes unnoticed for a long time. Nevertheless, there comes a moment in everyone when the manipulative fog of permanent self-adulation clears and one realizes that one has fallen into the clutches of a narcissist.

I am the greatest!

Hoping for appreciation or empathy from a narcissist is pointless. A little attention in homeopathic dosage is only given to those who pay homage to him - but not too much, because the narcissist needs the full boom of admiration for himself.

People who are close to narcissists find themselves in a constant rollercoaster between charm offensive and condescending coldness. On the one hand, narcissists are possessive and jealous. On the other hand, they refuse any closeness. If they do not receive the desired attention and recognition, they tend to behave in a resentful or vengeful manner.

Although they are convinced of their special position and importance, they perceive the slightest criticism as a threat. This shows their disturbed self-esteem and their lack of self-love in reality. In order to protect oneself from further disapproval, intrigues are spun around the perceived as threatening person, which should put the narcissist in a good light and devalue the other.

Misunderstood definition of self-love

Narcissism is generally understood to mean excessive self-love - but is that definition correct? Does the narcissist really love each other beyond the masses? Healthy self-love means that you accept and accept yourself as you are - with all your strengths and weaknesses. This is a prerequisite for good social interaction. Self-acceptance enables me to accept others with all their rough edges and quirks. Since narcissists lack precisely this ability, it stands to reason that their supposed self-love has nothing to do with true love. On closer inspection, reality reveals itself: Although narcissists appear very self-confident, their self-confidence is low. Instead, they suffer from a negative self-image that makes them constantly struggle with themselves.

A search for clues

Narcissists have often experienced hurt and rejection in their life. Regardless of whether a narcissist was overly neglected or massively spoiled as a child, the thought that he cannot rely on other people accompanies him throughout his life. The lack of response from the most important caregivers leads to great fears: “Something is wrong with me. I am not accepted as I am - can I will not be accepted. " As a survival strategy, the child tries to be exceptional and not to disappoint the parents. Even more, it tries to make sure of it: “I don't need you parents. I do not need anyone. I only rely on myself. " With this attitude the child protects himself from further injuries and disappointments. This explains why intimate relationships are no longer entered into. They are far too big a risk. At some point the self-imposed safety margin is part of the self.

Neurological Findings from Narcissism Research

It seems that there are biological reasons for narcissism as well. A research team led by Stefan Röpke, senior physician, head of the personality disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder and autism clinic at the Charité Berlin, has found that there is evidence of the lack of empathy among narcissists in the brain structure. The researchers used magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) to measure the thickness of the cerebral cortex in 34 subjects, half of whom had a diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder. This is the outer layer of nerve cells in the brain, in which the insular cortex sits and which is responsible for compassion. The result: This region was significantly thinner among the narcissists.

This is how to expose a narcissist

How can you find out if you are dealing with a charismatic and eloquent personality or a narcissistic egomaniac? According to a study by researchers led by Brad Bushman, professor of communication and psychology at Ohio State University, this is very easy. All it takes is one simple question!

Bushman and his team evaluated a series of eleven independent studies with a total of 2250 test subjects. The result was amazing (simple): to expose a narcissist, all you have to do is ask him! The scientists found that a single question was sufficient. It reads: "On a scale from 1 to 7: How much do you agree with the statement, I am a narcissist"? " The question works because of the nature of the narcissist. The more narcissistic someone is, the more points they will allow themselves. Imagine you would not be in the top rank! That would be a narcissistic insult! No, the narcissist is proud to be at the top of the podium and at the same time admits that he is just that: a narcissist!

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